Oh sweet, sweet blog, how I have missed you!

Tis' the season for long hours at work! Oddly enough, I thought this summer would be a little easier on me because I am not leading a choir tour but it has turned out to be just as much work, though the work is of a more sustained nature.

It is raining right now and the thunder is just beautiful to hear! I've got some good espresso, the church is quiet (the calm before the storm, we have only two days of vbs left!!!) and the music is just moody enough! This fortunate confluence of events must mean that it's time for a little bit of reflection before the children come!

All in all, all is well.

I have learned much about myself these last few weeks, which is probably why I haven't spent much time with the blog!

I've been rolling into work by 7:30 a.m. and not wrapping up work until midnight or so for nearly every day the last two weeks and the work-load was beginning to wear me down a bit and I have been feeling fairly overwhelmed lately. I had to take a general health survey this week for the church and scored a lot worse in the stress area that I thought I would. I'm afraid "dark Joe" had been emerging more and more lately! :)

Last night, however, I had something of an epiphany! I received an email from a worship designer that I will be doing some cantoring for this summer at a major event. Basically, the content of the email left most of the song leadership at this event in my court. I had previously (after several rounds of seeking clarification!) came to the conclusion that my work was going to be about a 1/4 of what I will now be doing next month. It's all good because I am thrilled, honored, and humbled to participate in the worship leadership at this event but, yikes, that's a lot more work at a time when my local church is asking a lot more from me, I'm preparing to serve as a clinician at a national event and leave on Saturday, I will be leading a revival in August, I have large planning responsibilities for a 2009 national convocation and a big piece of that work has to be done by August, and we are expecting the arrival of Samuel Joseph (YEAH!!!!) in late July/early August.

Wow, I thought, this is beginning to feel like more than I can reasonably handle, the walls are closing in!

After recieving the email, I found myself resorting to my usual strategy: if only, I thought, I can head back to church after choir tonight, pull an all-nighter I can get the majority of this stuff done! You know, the old, "if I just work a little harder I can get it all done..." Well, when I got to the church after the choir party, I decided that I've had about enough of this way of working and of being with my family.

So, that's a long set-up to say that here was my double-epiphany:

1. I am no longer in my first semester of grad school, in fact I've had my masters degree since 2003 and have been in the field full-time for half a decade, so the time for the all-nighter as an effective strategy for accomplishing long-term projects has passed. (In a related note, so has my ability to eat large steak burritos with the "fire" sauce. The passing of my digestive system from 20 year old to 30 year old has been marked by several such unfortunate discoveries!) It's time to grow up a bit and a) learn to say no but to only the things that are really interesting and/or important and b) relax, prepare as best I can, and rely on the combination of training, preparation, experience, and intuition. The discipline in this will be not feeling guilty for not working myself to exhaustion.

Which leads to the second, equally important epiphany. (Which also requires some set-up.) When I was in the ninth grade I had a major spiritual crisis (might have had something to do with hormones) that resulted in several intimate experiences with God. One of which was a request that I made of God as the long night was drawing to a close was this: God, please do not deny me the experiences of life in their fullest measure: I want to taste the darkness when it comes and I want to taste all of the good and to see the light when it comes. So far, God has been protectively generous in honoring my request! (Some days it feels like a pretty naive request but on balance I wouldn't withdraw it!)

Last night I realized that I am passing through a stage in my professional and personal life. While I will always be a student I am beginning to contribute to my field. My contributions might be fairly small and of minimal importance but they are contributions none the less. And so, as I am allowing myself to transition between student to contributor, I am learning that I no longer want to allow myself the indulgence of the typical all-nighter. These frequent late-night sessions at the church are keeping me from watching my daughter grow up (not to mention an absence of my role as a parent), spending time with Sarah, and, I fear, lead to the Tim Russert demise (God rest his glorious soul).

This is a long way of saying that, like Tiger Woods, I'm always going to be refining my swing, if you will, but when it comes time to go out and play, I am going to allow myself to trust my swing completely and just get out there, embrace it, do it, and accept the results as they come!

I believe that I can make this transition because it is rooted in prayer and in a deepening realization that, as Julian of Norwich says, God is the ground of our prayers. I believe that this passage is of God, if you will, and I intend to honor it!

Well, the children are pouring in and the time for more ministry has come!

God bless you, have a great day!