You Can Sleep When You're Dead!

"You can sleep when you're dead" was an old rallying cry of ours at the University of North Texas' College of Music. Let me tell you, I used to practice that maxim (without the death part) relentlessly! For most of my life I've been able to get by with about 5-6 hours of sleep and been pretty functional. Five hours has usually been my minimum, however, and that has made this week pretty tough.

I have learned a lot about myself this past few days, beginning with the fact that, when I get stressed out, I can't sleep and I tend to work in my sleep. No doubt, this has happened/is happening to you as well. After nearly five years of full-time ministry I have begun to see certain patterns in myself, the most noticeable of them are these:

1. Two weeks before Holy Week and Lessons and Carols/Christmas Eve, I don't sleep
well.
2. It's almost a given that the stress and lack of sleep catch up to me on Christmas Day (sometimes before) and on Easter afternoon.

Some years are better than others, to be certain. Two years ago, I remember being violently ill on Easter Sunday afternoon and then I got a horrible case of the flu the night before Christmas Eve as well. As it turns out, you can care about something so much that it hinders your personal life.

Not fun!

Another thing that I have been reminded about myself this week is that I tend, like many males, to get most of my identity and sense of worth through my work. This unfortunate (and certainly not-Christian) part of my identity has improved vastly over the years. When I first started in full-time ministry in Longview, I lived and died every single Sunday morning. That is a tough way to live! If we were down in numbers in the choir (or in the nave) or the anthem wasn't good, or I couldn't get the people to sing, it just absolutely crushed me. I remember (not sure why I'm choosing to share this now, must be the Holy Week-induced insomnia!) having to leave the services twice over the course of two years because I had to go the parlor and cry, I just couldn't stand feeling like such a failure in what God had called me to do. The toughest part was in that sense of failure was that I was certainly putting in the work: it wasn't from lack of effort! In fact, I had a little 5 minute intervention at annual conference from two good friends of mine in 2004 who basically told me that the hours I was putting in were pretty sinful and not a good example for the people. I was informed (and listened, at least a little bit!) that ministry is not a sprint but a marathon. Later that year it slowly began to dawn on me that, like Coach Chuck Noll of the 1970's Pittsburgh Steelers would say, "just because you work long hours doesn't mean that you are creating a good product."

Now, obviously having to duck out of a worship service when you are one of the pastors so no one will see you cry is pretty problematic in a number of areas.

Thankfully, as I am maturing both mentally and "in the Spirit" (moving towards perfection, if you will) I am getting a lot better at not living and dying every Sunday. I really noticed this last summer at Travis Park while I was washing dishes on a Sunday afternoon at home. I realized that I never asked Sarah during lunch how she thought the services went! That was a great moment, because I annoy her to no end with requests for feedback (and, maybe I fish occasionally for a little affirmation, but she is good at telling me like it is). Like nearly every other artist I know I have the typical "wide emotional palette" which is both a blessing and a curse!

I pray that God will continue to help me realize that my true value is not to be found in what I do but rather in whose I am! As I continue to grow into the likeness of Christ (which is slower some days than others!) I feel that this is improving.

As for the sleep, well, that's another story!